Grey

Sorry for starting on a low note (though I shouldn’t be using the word ‘sorry’ according to an article* I read today. Oh, and I shouldn’t be using ‘should’ either…Damn!), but it is something I can write about, so I will.

Working from home on Wednesday, on our usual lunchtime catch-up, my partner asked if I was OK and I said I felt ‘grey’. It could have been the colour of the sky that I was looking at at that exact moment that inspired my response, or the book I recently finished which talked a lot about feeling ‘blue’ and hence the colour-themed emotion, but I found it was true.

I have not been quite right recently: not depressed or low, but just not right. A bit blurgh. That evening, while getting ready for our runs, Adam asked if I knew what it was that was making me feel this way and I could come up with a couple of things:

  • I have put on half a stone in the past month on a non-trim figure already, so that never feels good
  • My Dad has been unwell and was pretty reliant on me for a few weeks after an operation, so I was seeing him daily, running to the hospital, supermarket etc. for/with him, and now that he is back on his feet I feel guilty for not seeing him as much (though we talk once/twice a day on the phone and see each other at least once a week)
  • I seem to have noticed so much more negativity around in the world of recent: every news story, every post on Facebook; it all seems to just be tales of hate, corruption, death and just horrible-ness. It could be my mood that has caused me to notice these more, or they are just more ever-present.
  • Work is… I don’t know what work is, but it is not great at the moment. I don’t particularly have a heavy workload, the people I work with are great, the commute is fine, the pay is good…. I even got a promotion last month, so a nice pay-rise, a higher grade etc. But I haven’t started the role yet – not until I have been replaced (interviews are next week). But something about it isn’t sitting right with me – I am not happy there right now and am constantly trying to find reasons not to go in. (Though I do go in for the record!)
  • I have had no more than 5 days off of work in over a year (even the 5 days I did have were to move house!), and it has been a rough 7 months which can’t have helped

So, that was what I concluded.

I went on my run, no real aim, and tried to think about things; try and come up with solutions, but as always when I run, I ended up thinking about the actual run itself. Until running gets easier for me, I think my brain will always be thinking about the action and the ‘Why-are-you-doing-this? You-can’t-do-this’-ness of it all.

The next day I attempted to tackle one of the points above; I created the I ❤ Medway group on Facebook. I have been getting fed up with the attitude of people towards Medway; those who don’t live in the area, and even those who do. I have been guilty of the same crimes – I didn’t want to move to certain areas of Medway when we were looking to come back this way, but since living here I have found a certain fondness for it, and can see all the greatness that is around. I just wanted other people to see it too. So I created the page (take a look and join if you like!) (If anyone even reads this!)

Not sure what to do on the other things on the list. Maybe I can work through them one at a time. Booking a holiday may be the next thing on the list – having something to look forward to is always a good thing. Oh, and something to research like crazy on my lunch breaks!

* http://www.shewired.com/feminism/2015/08/06/8-simple-words-every-woman-should-expunge-her-vocabulary#.VcRZAkEZlrc.facebook

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