General Malaise

I have been off for a few days and I couldn’t put my finger on what it is.

Adam got it exactly right when he said I had a state of ‘general malaise’.

All I know is that I am just finding it hard to see the good. Well, I see it but the bad overwhelms it and beats it to the ground.

Good
I have (and do acknowledge):

 

Neutral

  • my Dad has cancer (not bad-bad as he is living a normal life and is probably the fittest he has been in a long time) but the worry is always there
  • I have a good job (that I am not bothered about but it pays well and I may be going ever so slightly part-time soon) and is currently stressful due to some pain-in-the-arse knobs in my team right now

 

Bad/not good (which I can’t help but see and feel/react to constantly)

  • my Mum may be getting a large pay-cut soon and won’t be able to afford to live. She already has debts she is paying off slowly (she owned her own business for 10 years that fell apart) and lives in a flat which she loves, but that may have to change if this pay change comes to fruition, or she may have to ask my Dad to sell the family home to claim her half to survive
  • my Sister is a constant stress/strain on my family – she has three children, one who is always running away from school, getting into fights etc., the other who is generally ignored and the other (the youngest) who is never not-attached to my Sister and is the centre of her universe. She also has an alcoholic on-off partner who on-off lives with her (and is the father of the little one) who once assaulted her (and got found guilty of it, but with no sentence), meaning that neither of my parents can even look at him (rightly so) even though he is part of her life. This would be fine if it was just her who it affects, but she lives a 2-minute drive from my Dad but she only ever talks to him to ask for favours/to hand over the kids after school three times a week and she no longer speaks to my Mum unless asking for a favour
  • dad dogmy Dad lives alone now, and he homes dogs whose owners are on holiday (home-from-home dog-sitting) which keeps him busy when he has them but he really feels the absence of a cuddly, furry, loveable creature greeting you in the morning. He would never get his own now I think, as he likes the variety of dogs, but the work is not constant so I hear of how he drops into states of ‘malaise’ himself – not even going outside some days or not seeing anything to look forward to
  • because of the above, I call my Dad everyday (usually lasting around 30 mins) just so I know he has spoken to someone that day and to give him a listening ear to all those things that you would normally tell a friend or a partner (I am not crying right now as I type this) – I always feel bad when I can’t do this, or I feel shit that I ‘have’ to call him (in my head) to the detriment of my evening plans with Adam
  • I am not running. I know this is a choice, but I just can’t get out there. I have on the weekends for long runs (I have never missed a long run), but I know I should as I got to a good level with the marathon training, but I have a lack of mojo when it comes to running and I can’t say I have done much to fix this yet.
  • EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. This may seem dramatic, but we have: Brexit pulling the country apart; higher reports of racism; shootings in the US; homeless people everywhere I look; animals being mistreated (too much day-time advert watching) or stuck in rescue centres just waiting for either love or death; children being neglected/abused or dying from a lack of food or too much dirty water (working for a children’s charity is a constant reminder of the bad); old people are everywhere and they just make me cry (more than animals or children); my weight; never having anything to wear that doesn’t show my muffin-tops; my house issues (a crumbling wall, a living room that is only part-plastered etc.); that bastard cancer affecting those that I love. Just everything.

I am a planner (by character and job title currently) and so should be setting up an Excel sheet to sort this out as we speak, but I can’t right now. I am in a pit (shallow-ish at the moment) and I just don’t have the inclination to pull myself out.

I have had these feelings before and they have been for specific reasons – a break-up, my Dad’s cancer etc. but this is more a general blurgh-ness. I have previously known that I am in a bad place and it really does take effort to get out of it. I know that you have to choose to see the good – feel the happy, as the bad, the dark, is comforting in a way – if you feel just that then you can’t have the happy taken away. No risk.

Maybe if I knew it was bothering Adam I would find a reason to do something about it, but he is just as supportive as always: lets me talk if I want or not if I don’t. I haven’t said all of the above to him (he knows it now) as it is just too much to say.

Maybe a good run will just sort this all out. Maybe the cause is the non-running and the effect is not wanting to run…! If only I could get myself out there.

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