Ignorance wasn’t bliss, but maybe it was better than this. Or maybe this is what I needed.
I read something this morning that I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t have nosed, but I did and now I can’t un-see, I can’t un-know.
I read the IM history of a colleague and saw what some people have been saying about me:
- if she’s got a boyf and I’m single… are there any any stairs to the roof? – it’s what we’re all thinking
- maybe she ‘runs’ to the shops and buys a choccie bar.
- about Adam (after looking him up on Facebook): I thought he’d be chubbier / there must be something wrong with him / Adam seems relatively OK. Maybe it’s a hidden issue / they look happy together though / she wears the trousers though I expect
- I’d like to put her in a diff company, diff sector and see how she gets on #shockofherlife – indeed, she’d never go though as she’s have to have a massive paycut as you’re not awarded for lack of ambition elsewhere
And a load of work stuff which wasn’t true:
- that I deleted someone’s work (I didn’t – I moved it to where it was supposed to be saved and left a shortcut to it)
- that I was hiding down in the post room and probably do all the time as I was being given tea and chocolate (I don’t even drink tea and I go down there once every couple of months for about 10 mins to laminate something)
- that I was messing with the desk rota that I look after (months ago I did keep putting myself in one specific desk but I never put myself in more often than I was supposed to)
- that I wasn’t working from home but ‘at the beach’ (as I posted on Facebook a picture of the local power station getting blown up. Local. Not off on holiday somewhere)
At first I was very angry, but then I got upset. I had to go for a walk as I thought I might cry; I didn’t, as I didn’t want them to bother me that much. But I could have done easily.
I started reading Marie Kondo’s The Life Changing Magic of Tidying last night, and it has already started speaking to me. Not about tidying, but what life is like when you live in an un-cluttered environment, and can un-clutter your mind.
She asks what you may do when your house is in order; what you may realise. One of her clients divorced her husband. I am not thinking that, but I did think that maybe if our house was clear and clutter-less and a lovely place to be (not that it isn’t fine now) then what would I realise?
I think I may realise that I am not happy with myself. We live in a house that is perfectly liveable in, but is not… ‘well presented’. Our living rooms walls are stripped back (mostly), one wall in our dining room seems to be splitting in half and leaking, our bedroom ‘curtains’ is a duvet cover clamped into the windows (the rail fell out the wall and we can’t get it back in), we have mice living under the kitchen floor (luckily not inside), the front door is cracked, the cellar window leaks etc. etc.
If all of this was fixed, and the walls painted, and everything in its place, then what? Would I realise that I am the thing that is broken? That I have nothing in my life: no hobbies, no career path, no plans, no goals, just emptiness. I thought this last night in reading only a few pages, and now this morning happened.
They are probably right. Maybe this bothers me as I am all those things: unambitious, overweight, naïve in business, overpaid and lazy. Not good, right?
Kondo’s book also asks you to question why you want things. You want an uncluttered room – why? Because you want a place to relax? Because you want to be able to have dinner parties? Because you want to do yoga in a relaxing environment? They keep asking ‘why’, over and over.
I asked myself some of these questions this morning on the train:
I want a tidy living room. Why? So that Adam and I can watch TV. Why? Because I have nothing else to do (though this is my favourite thing)
I want a tidy kitchen. Why? So I can cook things. Why? So I can have a hobby. Why? So I have something to talk about.
There you go. I have nothing. I am nothing.
I had running – that is now gone. I had accountancy (courses for 4 years) – that is now gone: I have the bit of paper and the letters after my name but have done nothing with it. My Dad has cancer – that kept me busy for a while last year, but that is just BAU now.
I hope to have a hobby in decorating the house: I look forward to putting it together; picking paints and accessories etc. But that isn’t happening at the moment (see list of things wrong with the house that need fixing first).
So, what should I do? Keep reading Kondo’s book, definitely. Maybe I should have a plan. Fix these things that are wrong before they smack me in the face in the near future. See what is wrong and fix it. The house and me.
- Eat better (have been feeling very lethargic and cold-y for a while)
- Get to a happy-Claire weight
- Get and keep running, even though I don’t like it, until I find something else to do
- Work bloody hard at my new job – show I am worth the money and am of benefit to the charity
- Ignore those slagging me off: don’t be nice, but don’t be mean either – tolerate them
- Get a list together of broken house things – get some men in to fix them
- Get de-cluttered (as per the book)
- More TBC I expect