Yesterday, at work, I went into the toilets and cried. I didn’t intend to – I walked away from my desk to walk away from what I had just seen, and once in the bathroom I just started.
It wasn’t massive wailing hysterics, but just a slow sob with fat tears.
They’d got to me again.
Once again, someone had taken it upon themselves to see a small mistake and turn it into a story of me creating a situation where I would benefit. (That sounds kind of dramatic, but actually it is about a desk rota, which is stupid as I actually had a desk that day anyway so would have no need to doctor things.)
If you have seen my blog before you will have read that this has been an on-going thing with these girls, and now they have pulled in another colleague (blue in the above).
They don’t do or say anything to my face but they have their little chats behind my back; slagging me off and generally putting me down. Oh, and commenting on my weight, boyfriend, phone calls… basically anything I do.
I think this time it bothered me more as I recently went through a load of old memory stuff (the KonMari-ing is still ticking along in the background) and I found some notes from school along a similar vein:
Nice, huh? I am still good friends with the girl defending me in the first batch, and the latter girl who signed off the second note. These two things pretty much sum up my school-life. I was the larger girl, the too-studious girl, the girl that had no friends. I’ll admit some of that was self-inflicted for a time but only due to how the others had treated me for 3 years and my poor reaction to it, causing a year of being ignored, gossiped about and ridiculed. Not. Fun.
Is it me? Do I attract mean-ness? I want to think I am a nice person, a helpful person, a good person. But maybe that comes across as clingy, or boring and people jump on that.
We went away this weekend with our friends: 12 of us in a converted barn in the middle of the countryside with a walk in fridge and an outdoor hot-tub. Nice! I was the one who booked the venue, so was the one who checked us in and was responsible for everything in that regard (though we did all agree that the deposit would be split if there were any deductions so my risk was low really). It did mean that I was a little protective of things; checking the beds were stripped before we left, making sure no glass went into the hot-tub, ensuring we recycled etc.
There were a few comments of ‘Mummy-Claire’ at times and maybe I do need to let go a bit, but after that, and then seeing those comments about the desks at work yesterday something in me broke a little.
Adam has been great – I told him about it on the train on the way home and he let me have a little cry while trying to work out what we can do about it. The answer for now is to get rid of the desk rota task to someone else (done already) and just ignore them. (My line manager spoke to me about this a little earlier and has clearly said something to one of the people as they immediately came over to me and asked what he meant. I hope my glowing red face and insistence that it is all OK now will work and he won’t get straight onto talking about it with the others again. Some hope.)
Anyway, back to the weekend away which was good fun! We talked, we walked, we hot-tubbed, we ate, we (hardly) slept, we played games, we watched films and generally enjoyed each other’s company. All very pleasant.
Admittedly, there was some nudity and frolics, but that is a given in our group!
We also exchanged presents (from under our lovely Christmas tree) which were supposed to be secret and only costing up to £1 per person. Some of the presents were silly, but a number were very well thought out! Including Adam’s (child-size) hi-viz tabard with the name of his running blog on the back – love it!
In honour of my low-carb diet I received a loaf of bread – thanks Jo! And also a book on ‘Working with Bitches’ which I did start to read last night – that may also help me move on from/ignore all of the work crap.
Other presents included a lovely mankini for our slightly-taller friend, and
unluckily for us we got to see it in action (there are photos but we are under strict instruction that they are to remain for personal use only)! But due to his longer torso it was apparently a bit uncomfortable and he was struggling to stay within it – cue hysterical laughing for all!
There was also some hand-made soaps with toy cars captured within them, teeny glass bottles containing the ‘scents of Christmas’, stick on moustaches, novelty erasers and some meccano-style toys.
The weekend away did see me break the diet though. I ate bread and beans on Saturday morning, maybe a chocolate on Saturday evening, and then when it was nearly home time on the Sunday I indulged in more bread (to be fair there was no other breakfast food available and I had been for a run), followed by crisps, chocolates, biscuits and more crisps. Oh, and then beans on toast for dinner that night. Not great, but oh so good…
We did get to learn that chilli with cauliflower rice is great though – will be doing that again!
Luckily though, I can report another 1.5 lbs lost in the past week, so my indiscretions on Sunday morning didn’t ruin it all, though I am sure it slowed me down a bit. We are now over 4 weeks into this (though no end has been decided) and I think we can be more relaxed with it. We can set a reasonable amount of carbs for each day (~100g?), maybe only really partaking in the ‘bad’ carbs (rice, pasta, bread, potatoes) on days when we run, giving
us me some motivation to get out there in return for some lovely eats… 🙂
Watch this space for how that will go – the trickle of carbs could easily become a torrent right now…