My last boyfriend (before the wonderful Adam came into my life) claimed to have body dismorphia. Whether or not he did, HE had a problem with his weight. I thought he was fine. He did not think the same of me. He did not think I was fine. He thought I was overweight and not particularly good looking.
Back then, I was a little overweight, being a ‘chubby size 12’ as my work receptionist called me (was happy with that!), and I have no idea if I was good looking or not.
Even though this was his opinion he was always trying to get me into skirts and dresses instead of my usual trousers/jeans. So I was fat and ugly but should show more of myself…!? I didn’t get it.
But, because of this, I did not feel good about myself (fair enough right!?) and actually ate more and got bigger, and, I assume, even less good looking. (Well, it was probably a combination of being told all that as well the toxicity of that whole relationship…)
So, either because of that, or maybe solidified by that, I’ve never felt great about myself.
Sitting by the side of one of the swimming pools in our hotel in Rhodes (I am on holiday as I write this, though not sure when I’ll get to post it…), I am doing the one thing that people hope doesn’t happen – I’m looking at all the women in their swimsuits.
It is fascinating: all the shapes and sizes that us females come in! And even how confident/unconfident we are in those shapes.
None of these ladies are ‘perfect’ or model -esque, but some of them are plain gorgeous. Some of them know it, some of them don’t.
There is one lady who is ‘larger’ and only seems to own thong bikini bottoms which she wears unashamedly. GO HER! Her bottom is large, and pitted with cellulite, but she looks strong and confident and she doesn’t care what we are thinking. I wish I was her.
There are older ladies in small bikinis, folds of skin and large bellies out on display. They look happy and self-assured. I want to be them.
I have my tankini and my swimming costume. I have bikini tops which I am wearing as bras under tops but they aren’t getting in the pool with me this time around.
My weight has crept up over the past few weeks, nearer to where I was in October on our last holiday, pre-low carb diet.
But I want to be one of those confident-with-your-body types, whatever shape it is. I want to know it feels strong and is healthy and can be on show.
I went for a run this morning around the roads of Lindos, my first mile being up a fairly steep hill to tasked in the view over the town. Usually my first mile of any run is a nightmare of yoyo-ing pace, crazy breathing and desperate attempts not to starting walking yet. Today, I felt strong and confident and in control. And very warm (26C at 7:30am).
I want more of that.
Now Adam had joined me in the not-working game, there have been vows to eat better, exercise more, and just be healthier going forward (physically and mentally). We’ll have the time and no excuses (apart from doing some work in the house/supervising those doing work).
So let’s get this done once and for all: start ourselves off on a path of good-ness that we can still maintain when we return to work.
As always – watch this space!